


Too much too soon

by AnnyFay



Series: Soulmate AU [2]
Category: Formula 1 RPF, Rush (2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Character Death, Colors, Hurt No Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-08-06 17:32:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16392116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnyFay/pseuds/AnnyFay
Summary: Once your soulmate dies, your vision turns back to black and white.





	Too much too soon

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to write a sequel to my first launt story. IT WAS PAINFUL  
> I know it's not something I see many people writing about (James' death) and I wholeheartedly hope I didn't offend anyone.  
> Don't forget to tell me your thoughts on the story, I would really appreciate it.
> 
> P.S.: The title is a reference to Laurel's song "Goodbye".

On the 15th of June, 1993, Niki was awakened by a nose against his own. It tickled his rough skin as he slowly opened both eyes to a cold, yet sunny, morning. It was Lukas, his younger son, whose face lit up when he succeeded to get his father to wake up. It was a regular day in his vacation time, and Niki was a bit taken aback by how long he slept when looking at the clock hanging on the wall and back to his son's countenance. Maybe he was getting old.

His heart skipped a beat. When his vision cleared, he could not distinguish between the colour of Lukas' golden hair and the wall behind him. It had been almost two decades since he last saw that monotonous hue. Everything was black, white and shades of gray once again.

He did not mean to be rude to his own son when he jumped out of bed paying no heed to his puerile demeanour. The fidgety Austrian grabbed the first telephone in his sight, dialling James' number - which did not fail to come to his mind after so many hypothetical attempts to repair their relationship.

It rang a dozen times, and each of them tightened the barbed wire Niki felt wrapped around his chest. James didn't answer the phone.

He looked around and tried his hardest to maintain his pragmatic way of thinking, but it didn't really matter how stupid it was to abruptly burst into tears because he had woken up with monochromatic vision; he knew for sure there was only one possible explanation to this.

James was dead.

But how the hell could it be? James' health seemed to be improving day by day since he met that waitress, Helen Dyson. He stayed out of trouble and didn't make any drug or alcohol abuse. Hunt was healing.

Still, the colours were taken away from Niki.

He stood there, ambling around his bedroom while a puzzled Lukas looked at him next to his elder brother, Mathias. Both were too astonished by their ever so subdued father in such a distressed state to say anything. Niki praised the silence.

 

James had told Niki when his accident at the Nürbürgring happened, his brand new vision started to fade away, becoming black and white again. He had felt terrified, but fate worked in their favour.

They weren’t lucky enough to survive a second time, however.

Especially because Niki had learned to consider an omen not only a superstitious issue but a motif in his life. Niki was run over by his own tractor, got involved in a huge crash in a so unremarkable turn it had no name whatsoever, and, most recently, faced a serious situation when one of the Boeings of his Airplane Company fell flat from the sky because of a goddamn o-ring. Death tightened its claws around his neck every once in a while just to remind him there was no such thing as a human computer with no feelings at all.

As Niki stood and watched his soulmate being covered by dark earth and roses, he started to wander his eyes through the people gathered around the grave. He spotted Tom and Freddie, James’ sons. They were younger than Matthias and had swollen eyes. Niki’s children were staying with Marlene after he told her he needed to do it alone. It was hard enough bearing his own presence.

Niki had never seen Hunt’s boys before and was still adjusting to the lack of colour. He could guess by the pale hue of their hair they were blond like their father. He knew there were shy rays of sun shining through a great mass of clouds, which was pretty much how the summer went in south London.

Sarah Lomax had both arms sheltering her children. Helen Dyson stood by the priest's side. She cried restlessly. Niki's grief had no room in the ceremony.

She calmed herself to declare a few words of goodbye, highlighting the last conversation they had. Niki was stabbed once again when she revealed Hunt had called her the day before and had proposed to her.

The Austrian was taken back to the events that had led to a rupture in their exhausting, seemingly wrong relationship. They had battled against the odds to make it work for a while, but it made no sense at all so big an effort if it was meant to be. Then if it wasn't, they should let it go.

Which they did.

 

Niki promised himself he would not lose the 1977 World Championship. He refused to.

He was already reckoned "The Computer", but this season proved nothing could take his eyes off the prize. Hunt, on the other hand, was belittling the importance of defending his title. He drowned himself in glory and, by the time the new season started, he was choking on euphoria. This bummed Niki so much. He just wished he could compete against James, but the other constantly let him down. However, no matter how awfully bored things went on track, they made amends later in clubs, hotel rooms and, occasionally, cars.

Niki felt drawn towards the bohemian driver, even when their lifestyles were precisely opposites. He managed to use it as a way of distracting himself from the duty he needed to fulfil. After abandoning the Japanese Grand Prix and giving away the title to James, Ferrari, as well as their fans, had discreetly - and sometimes not so discreetly - called him a coward. He could only find relief from this pressure when James snuggled up to him under covers and nestled the Austrian in his arms until dawn.

But James was unreliable. He could not get enough of women, booze or drugs. He loved Niki to death, but the other couldn't be bothered with his temper tantrums and often left him alone to deal with his shit. What a mess.

"You got married in secret." James threw at Niki when they got in the blond's car after the party that followed the British Grand Prix. Niki ravenously attacked the zipper of his jeans, not really giving ear to what he had just said.

"Yeah, Hunt. You knew that already. You even met Marlene."

"I know, she's really nice and, oh jeez..." James held his breath as Niki went down on him. He laid a hand on the Austrian's mussed hair. "I know that thing with Suzy was, fuck, terrible and... we never stated anything regarding this, but I... damn it, I can't help wondering why. Did you tell her you see colours? Does she see colours?" Niki, still oblivious to his complaints, straddled his lap and forced himself down. James secured him by the waist, controlling his steady movements. They engulfed each other's moans with heated kisses and scratched the bare skin of one another. James wished he could keep going and forget the doubts popping in his head, but he was frantic with negative thoughts and could not just turn them off. He placed a hand on Niki's chest so the other would stop and listen. "Why her?"

_Why her and not me?_

"She is reasonable. And suitable." Niki answered with a sigh of uneasiness.

"Do you truly think these words are the best way to describe your beloved wife?"

Niki swayed back and forth to tease the Englishman, but Hunt - despite biting his lower lip - was stuck in the matter and not willing to let it rest any sooner.

"I know we are not exclusive. You know it for sure." Niki replied, his patience starting to drain.

"Hook-ups can't be compared to marriage. We're exclusive because I could never feel the same thing for another person." James' face turned hopeless. He leaned back, and Niki got the message. He rolled onto the passenger's seat, reluctantly pulling up his trousers. "Is it easier with her?"

"Of course it is, James." Niki looked through the window. The fog had made a thick, blurry layer over it. “It's easier because there's no racing, winning or pissing each other off. There are no huge egos. She doesn't know I see colours, and she's ok with the fact that we are not soulmates. Marlene knows better. She understands we make a good couple and that's what matters."

James glared at him. At that moment, he could not wrap his mind around the irony of fate. They were bound to become one of F1's biggest rivals of all time. No one could imagine, however, they struggled with a relationship that could only mean disaster and the fear of pulling themselves out of its wreckage. Niki had been trapped in his cockpit on fire for 55 seconds, but he couldn't remember any of it. Well, it must have felt the same.

"Why are you here, then? You have your vision, you have Marlene. As far as I'm concerned, you don't owe me anything."

Niki looked back at him. There was hardly anything left from James' previously devoted face. He just seemed exhausted.

The Austrian walked out of the car and into the night's cold gale.

 

Niki hated those gala ceremonies at the end of every season, and not even the fact he was the one receiving the greatest prize could better his humour. He sat there with Marlene the entire night, clapping when necessary until he was called to the stage to receive the 1977 season’s trophy. Niki was aware of how generic his speech sounded, but he was nervous beyond usual — and this had nothing to do with Hunt’s heavy eyes upon him.

Marlene came back to the hotel they were staying right after he received his prize both because she was tired and because the after-party would go on until dawn and she didn’t want to be surrounded by drunk drivers. Niki stood at their table pretty much the entire night, chatting occasionally with one or two drivers who came up to congratulate him. He ignored James completely and the Englishman didn’t bother to go talk to him, but they were pretty much aware of each other’s presence, which made it all more awkward.

Niki didn’t know that taking a few shots of vodka would get him so utterly drunk. He was pretty sure it was around 4 a.m as the guests were gradually leaving, but he was kind of stuck on that chair with absolutely no strength to leave.

“Can I have this dance?” James suddenly materialized in front of the Austrian, a tipsy smile playing in his lips. Niki responded with a sceptical gaze, but James didn’t back off.

“There’s not even music anymore. Isn’t it time for you to leave?”

“I spent the whole night waiting for a chance to dance with you. Don’t ruin it, c’mon.”

He offered a hand to Niki, who hesitated, rolled eyes, and finally accepted it, interlocking their fingers firmly as James guided him to the centre of the ballroom. Niki was doing his best to brush off the redness on his cheekbones, but James liked it that way and giggled a bit when the Austrian eyes widened as the blond wrapped both arms around his waist and brought them closer.  Niki wholeheartedly wanted to believe he only placed both hands on James’ nape because that was what one was supposed to do when dancing with another person.

“ _So ein Arschlorch_ ,” The brunette murmured.

“I love you too” James replied scornfully with a wan grin. Niki stopped moving, eyes lost in James’. He knew he probably didn’t mean anything with that, but it was hard not to imagine whether those words were true. What if they were?

And it was even more absurd to question that right then because there had been so many times when James had indirectly said it and Niki had chosen to ignore it completely, and now he’d used _the words_ without really meaning them and Niki simply couldn’t be oblivious to that.

But he had to, so he laughed off the situation and avoided the blond’s inquisitive gaze. James noticed the conflicting thoughts invading the Austrian’s mind by the way he frowned and bit his lower lip, but he unexpectedly kept quiet about it.

Maybe he didn’t want to hear Niki say he didn’t feel the same.

“Would you be mad if I invited you to my hotel room?” James whispered close to his ear. Niki felt goosebumps go through his body with the thoughts that invaded his mind already. They hadn’t spent the night together in a while as a result of one of their many fallings-out, but now Niki could blame the alcohol and James has never given a fuck about his dignity anyway.

Niki thought about Marlene, which was the only thing that made him second-guess his decision to accept James’ request, but he had a tendency to screw things up when it concerned his relationships, an impulsiveness that did not fit him at all. He nodded almost unnoticeably and followed James to his car. The trip to the hotel was silent with James occasionally resting his free hand on Niki’s and stroking it with the tip of his fingers. The softness of the touch bothered the Austrian, but he also couldn’t bring himself to argue with James over such a small thing. It meant nothing, right?

The luxurious suite had a red carpet on the entire floor, golden curtains and a round, large bed at the centre of it. Niki walked towards it hesitatingly. He sat down and stared at his feet, unable to bring his eyes to meet James’.

“Why so nervous, darling? It’s not like we haven’t done this a million times before.” James teased him, sitting by his side and resting a hand on his lap. Niki was all stiff and silent, which was his usual self when he was just about to do something he would regret, something he would cage in the back of his mind and would only bring it up when he felt the need to torture himself.

James tightened the grip on his thigh.

“What is wrong?”

Niki smirked, “I shouldn’t be doing this. I was supposed to be trying to get you out of my system.”

“And when has that ever worked?” James leaned closer, his eyes sought the Austrian’s still looking down. He felt as though Niki was both pushing him away and begging him to stay. How unsettling.

“I have a wife and I’ve just won my second title—“

“Congratulations, but what does that even mean? That now you only fuck drivers who are two-time world champions?” James laughed dryly, a bitter flavour in his mouth.

“It means that things are okay and all I’m doing is trying to fuck it up again,” Niki replied, finally looking up with eyes both hurt and distant.

James cupped Niki’s face in his hands, bringing it closer to his own. Niki didn’t move a muscle, he kept staring at those deeply spirited blue eyes as if they contained all the answers he needed. James brought their bodies together, lips touching with natural haste and uncertainty. Niki was loath to admit he enjoyed those short moments of affection between them. He was scared of actually loving James, of succumbing to the Universe's grotesque signs.

Niki had better just shove James down on his knees and demand being sucked off.

 

Their next encounter was only in 1978 after Ronnie's death. They carried his coffin together among other drivers, but barely looked at each other. Niki and James were not good at handling disasters, but how could they be?

On the morning of the next race's qualifying practice, Niki received an unexpected call.

"Niki?" He failed to recognize the concerned voice on the other end of the line.

"I can't talk right now. Who is it?"

"It's Tambay." Niki rolled eyes, foreseeing the subject of the call. "Hunt said he won't show up for qualifying. Now he doesn't answer the phone."

Niki could sense why he was being brought to the equation. He didn't even wish to argue with Tambay because it was all so fresh and comprehensible. Niki sighed, forbidding the devastation he felt from showing in his voice as he muttered somewhat of a response.

" _Scheiße_. Where is he staying?"

 

"Sorry, sir. He's not receiving any visitors." The receptionist sounded rather desperate. Niki glared at him while James shouted at him over the phone, and he sure as hell would've liked to be anywhere else.

"You know James Hunt, don't you? Today is qualifying practice and I have to get this asshole out of here and onto the track."

"Sir, I can't let you in if Mr. Hunt won't authorize. I could lose my job for this."

Niki sighed in disbelief. He stretched his arm in the receptionist's direction.

"Give me this goddamn phone." And even though there was hesitation from the man across the counter, he handed it over with no objection. "Listen, your arrogant prick, I'm wasting time. I never waste time and I certainly shouldn't waste it with you, but look, I am not going to leave without seeing you first."

He passed the phone back to the receptionist. James replied something to the man and Niki's entry was finally allowed.

 

"Come in" Niki heard James shouting as he knocked on the door.

As Niki entered the hotel room, he could only pay attention to three things: the predominant smell of cigarettes, the fallen empty bottles of scotch and beer cans on the floor, and the dim light the room found itself sunk into.

That is, the casual state of wherever James is staying.

Hunt was slouching on the sofa among all that mess and didn't seem to mind Niki's presence. The Austrian faced that sort of lethargy with less patience than he would have if James had been having a fit and crying on the floor. He could not stand that type of weakness because losing was a part of winning and James should know it by then.

He opened the curtains rashly, drawing a groan from James who quickly covered his eyes.

"Fuck you." The blond threw a cushion at Niki.

"We have fifteen minutes. I swear to you, I don't know what I'm capable of if you make me late for the first time in my life." Niki unconsciously started to tidy up the place, receiving an annoyed look from James.

"Do you really think it would be safe to drive in this condition?"

"It's not like you haven't done it before." The Austrian snapped back while tossing him a decent shirt and trousers he found hanging from the closet's drawer.

"I didn't ask for your help, Niki. I don't need your compassion."

"Tambay called me." He explained. As before, he wasn't willing to turn it into a fight. The Austrian sounded, for certain, severe, but in no way was he being mean.

With a sigh of frustration, Niki gave in, knowing exactly what it would take to get the blond out of that sofa – not that he was fond of the solution.

"If you agree to race, maybe we could grab a drink after the grand prix. How's that for an offer?"

James finally made eye contact. His swollen eyelids had a certain sore effect on Niki.

"Guess we'd better get going."

 

Marlene had called him right before the race started to inform him she managed to fly to the U.S. and insisted they went out for Dinner.

Niki smiled to James across the formed grid and said nothing.

 

“ _Das hat Spaß gemacht!_ ” Marlene giggled, holding firmly Niki’s arms. He played along with it – it’s not like he loathed Marlene; in fact, her company was rather pleasing.

It’s just that she was not the one.

They walked out of the hotel heading to a French bistro two blocks away. Niki halted his steps as he’d just seem a ghost, freezing on the edge of the sidewalk.

James was standing in front of a motorcycle he probably rented to impress Niki. He had a cigarette hanging from his lips and a nonchalant mien.

Niki walked in stiff steps towards him, gesturing for Marlene to wait in the Hotel’s lobby.

“James, I…”

“When were you planning on telling me she was here?” James cut him short. Niki repels the urge to squirm in hesitation and, instead, roughened his posture with hardly any empathy.

“She’s my wife, Hunt. I couldn’t tell her not to come.”

James took a step in his direction, lips trembling.

“Look, I get it. This thing between us will never work. I’m asking as a friend, so, please… stay with me tonight. She has every other day of her entire life to be with you and I’m just asking for one night.”

Niki looked away for a moment at the hotel’s façade, wondering how on earth he got involved in such a mess.

“I wasn’t expecting Marlene to be here” He muttered.

“What is that supposed to mean?” James sighed and followed the path of the other’s stare all the way to the woman playing with her fingers apprehensively, sitting on a stool at the hotel’s bar.

“I’m really sorry.” Niki sounded pathetic and could not even deceive himself he had made the right call.

Maybe because it wasn’t and he knew it well.

James was speechless. For the look of disbelief on his face, Niki assumed they had finally reached the boiling point and things could not be easily ignored; facts could not mean anything else besides what they truly meant.

So Niki chose Marlene over James and that was a fact.

The Austrian and his wife resumed their walk to the bistro while James left in his motorcycle, driving at full speed down the avenue.

Good thing James had booze, drugs and nameless mistresses to fall back on.

 

Niki should have taken better care of his soulmate. He should have ditched the fear of getting hurt by James’ infamous demeanour. Now he was dead and Niki was hurt nonetheless.

That night, at dinner, Marlene asked him a hundred times if he was okay or if there was something she should know. He kept quiet.

Despite not being soulmates, Niki and she had always had some kind of connection. Marlene was smart, and – more than that – observant. It didn’t take long until she solved the puzzle. Niki, once again, was blunt:

“The Universe is fucking nuts if it thinks I would ever get along with James.”

Marlene sighed. Niki rolled eyes to her holding his hands tightly, acting as if she were a kindergarten teacher trying to educate a reluctant child.

“The Universe has its reasons. Most people on earth never find their soulmate and those who do… risk losing them at any time.”

He had seen it already. The look on Barbro’s face… the same he bore as Sarah concluded her speech, as earth was thrown on the casket to lie there for eternity.

 

So many memories Niki wished would never go away - so many others he wished he could simply forget.

Marlene called him later. Her voice sounded too cautious, trembling between each word as though unsure of what to say next.

"You can stay with us for a while." She suggested. Niki tried not to assume she was worried because it had been too much for Barbro when Ronnie died and it could be too much for Niki as well.

He remained silent. At least he did not shut her off completely and that was sufficiently positive.

"I'm here if you ever need to talk." She added. He could imagine Marlene biting her lower lip, frowning at the thought of not being a source of solace for the Austrian.

Niki loved her. No matter how terribly hurt he was by James' death, she had a way to warm his heart with promises of a better tomorrow. How infinitely easier it would be if only she were his soulmate.

 

In 1989, James was divorced and bankrupted. Yes, a second divorce because after convincing himself Niki was out of reach, he gave himself up to the first woman who showed him a scrap of empathy. 

He retired from racing because Ronnie was dead and Clay paralysed. He felt a sudden heroic urge to persuade Niki to run away with him lest one of them die, but talked himself down immediately — Niki wasn’t of his business anymore.

The doctors called it ‘depression’. James couldn’t understand it quite completely. He only knew that when the phone rang and he heard Niki’s voice, he felt two very distinct things: pain and happiness.

“Hey, hm, it’s me.”

“Niki, wha…” James mumbled over the phone.

“I know we haven’t talked in a while, but I’m in London and I thought we could have lunch tomorrow.” He said one word after the other uninterruptedly as if he had rehearsed it over and over again. James smiled, grateful that Niki couldn’t see it.

“I would love that. 342 King’s Road? It’s my favourite restaurant.” No, it wasn’t. It was what James could afford at the time. He simply couldn’t take Niki to a fancy restaurant no matter how much he wished he could.

“Yeah, sure. Be there at 13 sharp.”

And he hung up.

 

It was 13:30. No sign of James.

Niki kicked the brick wall in front of him, angrier with himself than with James. It was his fault he couldn’t just ignore it when he was told of the Englishman’s situation, of his worsening alcoholism and drug addiction. Niki couldn’t sleep at night, thinking of how he had abandoned James. He was trying to deal with his own problems, his own inner conflicts. Marlene was becoming more and more distant, he had two kids to worry about and an airline going international – which was both petrifying and exciting.

Then, finally, the asshole showed up on a bike with a flat rear tyre and clothes of a homeless person. He was still pretty charming (Niki doubted he could ever not be), but there was something about his whole look that was just wrong, more than wrong, sorrowful.

James was constantly displaying a bruise on his lips, a purple circle around one eye, but he would smile like he was proud of it. Now he looked at Niki like a ghost, hollow eyes and bland expression. The Austrian had never seen him like this.

It was disturbing, Niki wanted to look away.

“Hey Niki! Sorry, I’m late,” he waved his hand and showed his best attempt of a smile. Niki shrugged as they entered the restaurant.

“You look like shit. And smells bad.” The Austrian replied. They found a table near the window and Niki suspected it is so that James had somewhere to look at instead of Niki.

After they were both settled in, Niki took a moment to contemplate the ruins of what once had been James. His idyllic ocean eyes were now dark and sunken. He even tried to smile — he wanted to show Niki he was doing well despite the odds —, but it was almost as if his lips couldn’t stand being up for so long. Every cell of his body was tired.

Niki held his breath. He wasn’t going to crumble down in front of James.

“So, I was surprised when you called… we haven’t talked in a while.”

No, we haven’t, I pushed you so far away that I lost you.

“I’ve been busy with the airline.” He wanted to say more, but the lump in his throat impeded him.

“Yeah, thought so.”

The waitress stopped by their table. James ordered ravioli and Niki decided to have the same — or he simply couldn’t be bothered to pick a dish from the menu. Niki gazed at James’ hands on the table, the way he played with his fingers. A nervousness that just didn’t suit him.

“How are you doing?” The Austrian managed to utter the words, quickly drawing his gaze to his own hands, bowed head.

“I’m fine, Niki,” his voice was low and annoyed. He sensed the Austrian was beating around the bush instead of telling him exactly what he wanted to tell. Same game all over again. “Why did you call?”

The Austrian was speechless for a whole minute. His eyes wandered from James to the cloudy sky to his own trembling hands and back to James. He had made it clear whatever there was between them was over. _Jesus_ , when did Niki start to not make sense?

“I wanted to check on you, see if you need anything.”

“Why now?” James’ eyes turned into lead. Niki could feel his resentment from across the table, the way his mouth twitched as he clenched his jaw.

The Austrian had no answer to that.

He was thankful when their meals arrived so he could stuff his mouth with food and never speak again. They ate in silence, James’ question hovering around their heads like a bad omen. After they had finished, Niki asked for the bill right away. There had always been this uneasiness, this dense atmosphere around them, but James was always the one to make it lighter. He made no effort this time, however, and Niki couldn’t stop thinking he had broken him for good.

Or was it too presumptuous to assume he had any part in that?

Niki convinced James to let him drive him home. They threw his bicycle in the trunk of the car, a polished, bright red Porsche 959. Niki was distracted the whole trip, taking the wrong way four times before arriving in front of the house. He looked at James, but the blond had his stare fixed on his feet. Niki couldn’t stand it.

“How much do you need?” The Austrian asked. James finally drew his eyes up to him, his brow frowning.

“What do you mean?”

“I know you’re having financial issues. I can help you,” Niki switched back to his mechanical mode. No more hurt feelings, just plain facts.

James shrugged and turned his face to the window. Niki studied his reflected expression on it.

“I could use 300 quid.”

Niki promptly took his wallet, withdrawing the said amount and handing it to James. The blond raised one eyebrow, then hesitatingly accepted it. When he did, Niki held his hand firmly and sought his stare with a profound sureness in his eyes.

“I’ll give it to you, but you need to promise me you’ll help yourself too, okay?” He whispered to James. His trembling lips were the only thing that wasn’t stiff as steel in his expression. They were the only thing that made James stop and listen to him because there was fear, so there was still something to fear for. “Back in 76, you came to Ferrari’s boxes and tried to convince me not to race, remember? Because you cared about me, because you wanted to protect me.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t listen. How’s that for an example…” James cut him short, sighing sceptically.

Niki tightened the grip on his hand and pulled him into an unusual embrace. None of them was expecting it, even more when it was Niki who desperately needed a proof of affection or something like that. James didn’t dare to move, or maybe he couldn’t. Whatever Niki sought with that, he would give it to him like always. As for the Austrian, he did it to assure himself he could still do it, that James wasn’t too far gone.

He wasn’t too far gone.

“God, I miss you. I miss your voice, I miss your… everything,” James’ voice came out muffled because he had his face buried in Niki’s curve of the neck as if it had never left there. He could hate on himself for giving in to the Austrian’s luring words again, but he would have plenty of time for that afterwards.

“I’ll be around if you ever need anything,” Niki managed to mutter, voice low and faltering. He pulled away, keeping his hands on James as he considered leaning for a kiss, but that just wasn’t the right time.

Niki could see James had a faint smile on his face, an honest one. That meant things would somehow be okay again.

Later that year, James met Helen Dyson and stopped answering Niki’s calls. The Austrian felt resignation and misery all at once.

 

Niki did spend a week with Marlene and the kids after the funeral. The Austrian was naturally a quiet person, but the air was too filled with grief to look like anything less than an enduring mourning period. He was shattered, but how could he not be?

Once, Niki woke up in the middle of the night, dizzy vision from all the sleeping pills. He looked around. For a moment, he thought he could see the colours again and that it had all been a nightmare, a cruel joke from his own mind. He sighed in relief and went back to sleep.


End file.
